Dating: Is it Best?

Many times we talk with those around us, each other, about things that we might deem controversial within the realm of what God expects of us.  Somehow, as my children are reaching the teen years, topics along these lines come up a lot.  We talk a lot about what God wants vs. what we want.  What God expects vs. what we expect.  There are many scriptures in the Bible that can help us determine a healthy path for Christian living.  And that is always the place for Christians to look for answers.

The tension comes with those activities that don't have particular scriptures to tell us in a black and white fashion.  So we ask:  Is it right or wrong?  Is it good or bad? 

In our home a common topic is dating.  With my oldest daughter being 14 years old, I am amazed at the number of young boyfriend/girlfriend relationships that are going on around us.  I have thought that we would take on a courting sort of approach to dating, but having not experienced it myself, and not seeing courtship going on around us much, I will be honest and tell you that it's difficult.

Is it wrong to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at a young age?  I don't believe that we can point to scripture to give us a black and white answer on this (God does not specifically say that dating is right or wrong), but we CAN look at scripture to help us determine the path of our heart when it comes to dating. 

To me, dating is the first step in finding a future mate.  Are 12 year olds dating to find future mates?  I doubt it.  And why would they be when the average date of marriage today (in the US, according to Wikipedia) is 28.4 for men, 26.5 for women, as of 2000.  If this statistic is true, then our children would spend more than twelve years looking for a mate before they are ready to marry, if they begin at age 14.  That is a long time in a person's life to experiment with a person's emotions in an intimate way, in a relationship.  Perhaps this early age of dating that has helped to promote the average divorce rate of 41-50% (depending on the data used).

Let's think about this...  We know that God expects us to keep our hearts and minds pure.

• Psalm 51:10Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
• 2 Timothy 2:22Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
• Philippians 4:8Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Purity comes from praying, reading Scripture, and relying on the Holy Spirit (for those who are His) for strength & guidance.  We cannot reach purity alone.  We need the Lord in a real way to achieve this, and it can be done (Mark 10:27  Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”)

I experienced dating when I was younger, but I can assure you that when I dated I was not looking for that husband of my future children.  I was looking to hang out with a great young man (good looks was a bonus), who was fun to be with and intelligent.  My thoughts were shallow and, quite honestly, not always pure.  When I talk to people about this today who are willing to be real about their dating experiences, nearly everyone would agree that dating for them was of a similar caliber.  I do not feel that dating at 15 helped me in my search for a future spouse.  There are remnants of relationships from the past that affected my heart and how secure I felt in the future, including in my marriage that I was later blessed with despite.  All that to say, dating can leave us with baggage that we have to deal with and sometimes carry for quite some time.  Is it worth it?  I say it's not.

As parents, we can help to guard our children's hearts by talking to them, and helping them understand God's plan for their lives.... to remain pure in heart and body.  We can help our young people to think about those things that are pure and holy, keeping the Lord at the forefront of their minds.  Society desires our young people to grow up way too quickly (thong underwear for young girls. Really??)  Why would we want to encourage this for our children, when we see the results of climbing statistics in the rate of divorce and teen pregnancy.  Why would we want to encourage our children to grow up so quickly when we see the results of how it affects our relationships with those of the opposite sex, and eventually the future relationships with those who will be important in their future.  If they are holding hands and snuggling tight in the back seat of a car at 12 years old, what will they be doing at 22?

Consider allowing your children to be children while they are still children.  Protect their hearts from the pressure the world gives, the pressure to grow up and be a woman/man well before that time.  The pressure to feel whole by having a boyfriend/girlfriend before they are truly ready to consider marriage and the purpose that dating could have in helping or hindering that search for a future spouse.

Proverbs 4:23 -- Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Philippians 1:9-11 -- And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is BEST and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (emphasis mine)

 

Don't ask if dating is good or bad, right or wrong.  Ask yourself, is dating "best"?