Dating: Is it Best?

Many times we talk with those around us, each other, about things that we might deem controversial within the realm of what God expects of us.  Somehow, as my children are reaching the teen years, topics along these lines come up a lot.  We talk a lot about what God wants vs. what we want.  What God expects vs. what we expect.  There are many scriptures in the Bible that can help us determine a healthy path for Christian living.  And that is always the place for Christians to look for answers.

The tension comes with those activities that don't have particular scriptures to tell us in a black and white fashion.  So we ask:  Is it right or wrong?  Is it good or bad? 

In our home a common topic is dating.  With my oldest daughter being 14 years old, I am amazed at the number of young boyfriend/girlfriend relationships that are going on around us.  I have thought that we would take on a courting sort of approach to dating, but having not experienced it myself, and not seeing courtship going on around us much, I will be honest and tell you that it's difficult.

Is it wrong to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at a young age?  I don't believe that we can point to scripture to give us a black and white answer on this (God does not specifically say that dating is right or wrong), but we CAN look at scripture to help us determine the path of our heart when it comes to dating. 

To me, dating is the first step in finding a future mate.  Are 12 year olds dating to find future mates?  I doubt it.  And why would they be when the average date of marriage today (in the US, according to Wikipedia) is 28.4 for men, 26.5 for women, as of 2000.  If this statistic is true, then our children would spend more than twelve years looking for a mate before they are ready to marry, if they begin at age 14.  That is a long time in a person's life to experiment with a person's emotions in an intimate way, in a relationship.  Perhaps this early age of dating that has helped to promote the average divorce rate of 41-50% (depending on the data used).

Let's think about this...  We know that God expects us to keep our hearts and minds pure.

• Psalm 51:10Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
• 2 Timothy 2:22Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
• Philippians 4:8Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Purity comes from praying, reading Scripture, and relying on the Holy Spirit (for those who are His) for strength & guidance.  We cannot reach purity alone.  We need the Lord in a real way to achieve this, and it can be done (Mark 10:27  Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”)

I experienced dating when I was younger, but I can assure you that when I dated I was not looking for that husband of my future children.  I was looking to hang out with a great young man (good looks was a bonus), who was fun to be with and intelligent.  My thoughts were shallow and, quite honestly, not always pure.  When I talk to people about this today who are willing to be real about their dating experiences, nearly everyone would agree that dating for them was of a similar caliber.  I do not feel that dating at 15 helped me in my search for a future spouse.  There are remnants of relationships from the past that affected my heart and how secure I felt in the future, including in my marriage that I was later blessed with despite.  All that to say, dating can leave us with baggage that we have to deal with and sometimes carry for quite some time.  Is it worth it?  I say it's not.

As parents, we can help to guard our children's hearts by talking to them, and helping them understand God's plan for their lives.... to remain pure in heart and body.  We can help our young people to think about those things that are pure and holy, keeping the Lord at the forefront of their minds.  Society desires our young people to grow up way too quickly (thong underwear for young girls. Really??)  Why would we want to encourage this for our children, when we see the results of climbing statistics in the rate of divorce and teen pregnancy.  Why would we want to encourage our children to grow up so quickly when we see the results of how it affects our relationships with those of the opposite sex, and eventually the future relationships with those who will be important in their future.  If they are holding hands and snuggling tight in the back seat of a car at 12 years old, what will they be doing at 22?

Consider allowing your children to be children while they are still children.  Protect their hearts from the pressure the world gives, the pressure to grow up and be a woman/man well before that time.  The pressure to feel whole by having a boyfriend/girlfriend before they are truly ready to consider marriage and the purpose that dating could have in helping or hindering that search for a future spouse.

Proverbs 4:23 -- Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Philippians 1:9-11 -- And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is BEST and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (emphasis mine)

 

Don't ask if dating is good or bad, right or wrong.  Ask yourself, is dating "best"? 

Seeing beauty

Life is full of things to be thankful for, and I am learning to keep focused on the many ways God grows blessings, just for me.  I am going to just explode with joy when reflecting on this past week, and wanted to share a few.

11.  Sweet kisses from my littlest one (who is 8, but still little to me)
12.  Spending wonderful time with dear friends.
13.  Conversations that seem to go non-stop, and leave me exhausted, but heart-ful.
14.  Thoughtful gifts (still celebrating that 40th)
15.  Honesty
16.  Coming home to a clean kitchen after catching up with dear friends (thanks to my second daughter)
17.  Feeling appreciated
18.  Hearing a new dryer quietly drying clean clothes
19.  Being within walking distance of a gas station when running out of gas on a busy highway (at night, with daughter and dog)
20.  An empty gas tank rather than a major car repair issue.
21.  Cute little turtle pets.
22.  Wisdom to realize that, despite exhaustion, an turtle aquarium overhaul is necessary when absentmindedly mixing water with vegetable wash instead of water de-chlorinator at 11:30 pm.
23.  God's wisdom when a broken soul is crying out for a place to belong, to feel ok, and not alone.
24.  A new friend and perhaps a new Bible study.

Wacky Cake

Despite the name, this cake is super delicious!  The "wacky" part of it is that you mix the batter together in the same pan you bake the cake in!  No joke!  So, in honor of my dear friend's new found allergy, I thought I would post this dairy-free dessert.  Enjoy!

Wacky Cake

3 C. flour
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking soda
6 T. cocoa
2 C. sugar

Mix above ingredients together in a 9x13 pan. 
Make three holes and add the following liquids:

12 T. oil
2 tsp. vanilla
2 T. vinegar
2 C. cold water

Stir thoroughly and bake at 350 degrees for 30-45 minutes.
Sprinkle with powdered sugar & serve!

a father and his daughters

I chuckle to myself... thinking of how my husband, the oldest of three boys, has been blessed with three daughters.  Oh, how these girls adore their daddy and want to please him.  It is a good thing that these girls came in little packages, to give him time to adjust to the whole girl world.  I mean, who could imagine the pairs of shoes that three girls acquire.  It just blows his mind sometimes, and is truly something more than he can comprehend.  "Seriously?  They need more than two pairs of shoes?" he might say on any given afternoon.  Yes, dear.  A girl needs a couple of pairs of flip-flops, tennis shoes, and a couple of pairs of nice shoes for church and outings (white, brown, and maybe black).  And this is just for summer.  Winter shoe selections get a bit bulkier, so the numbers seem more enormous even when they truly are not.

So tonight, that daddy of my girls has purchased a new Wii game for them to play together.  Honestly, we don't watch much TV around here.  The girls enjoy reading blogs and an occasional movie, but other than that, the bulk of entertainment comes from book reading, school work, knitting, or playing outside (or inside with dear June, the border collie puppy).  This Wii game has various sports games to satisfy each girls' taste, and they all appeal to their father.  I mean, the oldest of three boys... he likes sports! 

As I type this, I smile and hear cheers of excitement as they currently play a game of snowboarding together.  All four of them .  This really works great, as it gives me a bit of quiet time.  I can quickly slip away to have some time to follow up on email, catch up on recordkeeping for our homeschool, or escape into a story on a friend's blog.  The best part is knowing that these girls are enjoying their daddy in a way that he can relate to... and shoes are not required.  Oh, I love that husband of mine!

A Friend

I've been thinking about friends... the kind of friend I appreciate and the kind of friend I hope I am for others.  It's important to have friends to encourage us, guide us, listen, and sometimes even give us loving correction.  When I visit with a friend, I welcome all of those things.  It's not always easy to hear reminders of where we have messed up (you know, that affirmation of what we already know), but sometimes those discussions with friends give us a dose of humility.  Nothing wrong with a good, loving humbling every now and then :)

The friends I feel most comfortable around are the ones who, when I speak those raw, unrefined thoughts, know my heart and look beyond the words for the truth of what I mean.  They don't expect the worst, rather they expect the best.  The beauty of real friendship is to be able to see the love in the heart despite the words.  Somehow... feelings heal quicker when the best is expected and seen.  Truth is spoken in love, when it sometimes hurts but needs to be said.  The best of friendships is where growth is always desired, despite the pain of it.  You know, those growing pains that God allows to refine us.  I crave that (not the pain, but I know that pain comes with growth). 

Seems as though there are things that are off-limits in some friendships.  I always appreciate knowing the boundaries, but if there are too many then I am going to step back into the shadows.  Be glad.  If something needs to be said but not discussed (you just need to vent something out loud, but do not want advice), please disclose that up front.  This is an aspect of friendship that is foreign to me.  (I vent things out loud in my shower when I am not looking for a response).  I can do it, but need to know your expectation up front.  I don't express something to a friend unless I am looking for advice or direction.  That's what I expect, and it's what I give. 

I'm a lovingly raw and real kind of person.  Those who are closest to me are the same way.  Maybe that's the safety of love, of knowing where we stand with each other at all times, and growing together to be better in all our responsibilities in life.  It's the continual "becoming" that is important, and true friendships are vital to this growth.  I'm thankful for the friendships that the Lord has given me--blessings in my life.

Prov. 17:17 -- A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Prov. 27:9 -- Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

A deep breath of thankfulness

It's been a long day, and as I wind down from our activities, I stop to think about the blessings....

1.  time with my girls at the park, playing in the leaves and testing out photography skills.
2.  happy girls enjoying each other
3.  amazing fall leaves
4.  the hot red veins in the maple leaf as it turns from green to red.  truly amazing.
5.  my husband's job
6.  hot, homemade chocolate cake baked my oldest daughter (with powdered sugar on top).
7.  a clean kitchen before bed
8.  friends who hold me accountable
9.  a full day of homeschooling
10.  quiet time in prayer with the Lord
11.  knowing I'm saved and loved
12.  healthy bodies to learn gymnastics routines
13. teaching classes at the gym so my girls can take classes there
14.  a full moon that lights up the cool night

I finally made it!

Here I am.... in the world of blogging!  A place I never dreamed I would be.  So many times I have been encouraged by others' blogs, and have come away feeling a bit less alone, a little bit stronger, and sometimes even convicted to step it up and make some big changes for the better.  Now maybe I'm brave enough to think I could help someone, too. :)

The Lord encourages me each day to think about His plan for me in my life.  I chose the name "becoming like Him" to remind myself that this is the ultimate goal for my life--to become more and more like Christ.  Becoming complacent makes me weak.  We could argue round and round about faith and works, but if you read the book of James, you will see that our works (our lives) should be a living result of our faith.  Not one without the other.  It's a hand-in-hand relationship.

I want to be more and MORE like Him every day.  It's a process of growth that comes from a sincere desire to put off self and put on Christ.  I fall sometimes.  Sometimes I just shake my head at myself, imagining that the Lord is doing the same thing.  But I know that He still loves me.  His mercies are new each day, and his love is continual. 

He saves us to keep us.  I am so thankful for that!